Kissing Koolers: Lip gloss, pacifier, and snack food all congealed into an incredible plastic tube.

I think it’s safe to say that if you’re a women (and perhaps if you’re not-what you do in your free time is your thing…) you have probably run across a lip gloss or two in your day that tasted so unbelievable you felt like you could just eat it!

In the heyday of myself and Natalies childhood, we encountered such a lipgloss.

It was a golden age. There were mirrored shirts and spandex pants. New Kids on the Block reigned supreme, and Kids Incorporated played freely on the Disney channel. We were but wee creatures, and our mom soon realized after the retirement of our beloved binkies that she wished she still had something to stuff in our mouths. Enter: Maybelline Kissing Koolers. 

There were 3 ways to enjoy a Kissing Kooler.

1. Slowly – This was the way I’m sure Maybelline intended this cosmetic anomaly to be put to use. You put on a nice, normal layer of the gloss and go about your day enjoying the occasional subtle blast of shiny flavor. Simple.

2. Like a Slut- Actually, I seem to recall a packaging of this particular product that depicted two penguins sharing a love kiss on the front of the tube. Perhaps a recycled fake memory from the twisted machine that is my mind…but I doubt it. Plus the name itself—Kissing Koolers—implies that there is mouth to mouth contact to be had, and you’ll probably be cooler for it.

3. As a Snack- This was how my sisters and I chose to partake of Kissing Koolers. We were too immature and hungry to consider 1 or 2 as viable options for savoring this tasty treat. Oh sure, our mom tried to stop us, but as soon as her back was turned, we were straight up wolfing those suckers down. It didn’t start as biting into the soft waxy deliciousness, you always worked your way up. First, you would just put on a normal coat. Then, after promptly scouring your lips with your tongue, you reapply. After a few minutes of this you would realize: I should really cake this shit on, it’s just too scrumptious! After that, you’re a goner. Your mind is too enfeebled by the mouth-watering essence of the KK to realize it is not in fact food. And there were so many flavors! Let’s bask in the afterglow, shall we?

Cherry Cola- Come on. Like a little girl who is starved for caffeine anyway is going to NOT eat this. (sidenote: remember Cola gum? With the weird liquid center? DAMNIT WHY IS EVERYTHING GOOD GONE FOREVER!?)

Watermelon- This one had a red and green marbleized sort of plastic covering it. I ate this so many times. Choice.

Strawberry- Oooh bright red. It was almost makeup for Christsake! Makeup! Did I mentioned these SMELLED  great too? Like God blowing on your face with his sweet breath. 

Grape- I assume grape, but I don't really remember. Has there ever been a purple flavor that wasn't grape? On a sidenote...why doesn't grape ever taste anything like grapes?

So what happened to these babies? I went on Maybelline’s website for answers, and found this:



0 Results found for "kissing kooler"Copyright ©2008 L'Oréal USA, Inc Privacy Policy Site Map
About Us Contact Us En Español



So not only are they not selling the best thing they ever thought of anymore, but they aren’t even acknowledging its absence! But I was not phased. I thought that surely Maybelline would have morphed the product into a modern shadow of its former self, but no.



0 Results found for "flavored lip gloss"Copyright ©2008 L'Oréal USA, Inc Privacy Policy Site Map
About Us Contact Us En Español


They aren’t even down with FLAVOR anymore! BLASPHEMES!

So who’s with me? We boycott Maybelline until they restore these bad boys back next to Bonne Belle where they belong!

KISSING KOOLERS FORVER!!!