CHALLENGE: Late Night Rip Off.

Sleepy Green Perfection. My Security Bear.

My Care Bear was an extension of my physical being for 18 years - literally until I got married, at which point my husband decided that sharing our bed with my childhood stuffed animal was stretching the limts of his affection for me. I freakin loved that bear.

Not only did I love my Care Bear, I loved the Care Bear propaganda. The cartoons, the movies, the clothing, school merchandise... all of it. Apparently they were created by a greeting card company who later saw the potential in making the adorable,lovable, smooshable stuffed bears that we all know and love.

There were a few miniseries chronicalling the escapades of the Care Bears, one of the first being "Care Bears Battle the Freeze Machine", which was a heartwarming tale about a seemingly anorexic evil scientist called Professor Coldheart and his retarded assistant, Frostbite.

Why does Funshine Bear sound like a porn star? The world may never know.

After the Television Series was up and running the Care Bear folks decided to make a full length movie. Genius.

The first movie "A Land Without Feelings" Sucked. Hardcore. Look at this suckage.

Then Care Bears II came out and CHANGED THE WORLD. Ok, maybe not, but it entertained me and my sisters and taught me what a totem pole was.

Orphans, Cloudquakes (it's like an earthquake for cloud dwelling bears. I know, it's a stretch), Evil Spirits, the Great Fettuccine (some sort of racist Italian magician reference), the Caring Meter - Thrills, spills, and you might even cry a little. Personally, I just really wanted to go to summer camp after I saw this movie. And I then I went to Summer Camp and it was nothing like this and I hated every minute of it. Oh well.

CHALLENGE: When you give a little shove

Tis I, Balki of Mypos.

I think we can all agree that the ONLY happenin' place to be on a Friday night for a prepubescent child of the early 90's was TGIF. Some of the best shows of our generation reigned supreme during this glorious television slot.

And those are just the ones I found title screens for on Wikipedia (actually can we take a second and remember DINOSAURS?  The abusive baby beating it's construction worker father with a rolling pin, the older brother dinosaur with a head spike curl a la Danny Zuko that you thought was hot even though he was a giant reptile....) These were the glory days of TGIF. There are actually 16 official TGIF seasons, (there was a brief hiatus and a failed revival...how they believed "8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter" was going to breathe life into beloved childhood programming is both foolhardy and insulting) and it all begin with a little show called Perfect Strangers.

Meet Balki

Tell me that if this man showed up on your doorstep claiming to be your cousin from Mypos and hoping to live on your couch he wouldn't be pepper sprayed and sack punched in 5 seconds flat. But fortunately for all of us, Larry isn't as smart as we are!

Meet Larry

Trusting, lonely, and a total square-- Larry is as boring as Balki is zany! It's almost like Mork and Mindy, which was coincidentally created by the people that made Perfect Strangers. . How many times can you make the same show without people noticing? Apparently 3, because they made Laverne and Shirley too. But in any case, let's do a brief synopsis of the show, which ran for 8 captivating seasons.

We're so different... yet the same!

Balki shows up on Larry's doorstep in Chicago from Mypos, a Mediterranean Island where he was allegedly a shepherd of some kind. He has come to America to live the high life, and would like to stay with Larry, who he claims is his long lost cousin. Now, had Larry taken the time to look into Balki's ridiculous back story, he would know that Mypos isn't a place and Balki is a liar. But instead of busting out the family tree for further investigation, Larry welcomes Balki into his home where he could easily bludgeon Larry to death in his sleep.

 Luckily, it doesn't come to that. 

Even more luckily, Larry's landlord/boss agrees to allow the incompetent Balki to work alongside Larry as a clerk at a discount store despite his intense disdain for the both of them. In fact, the luck streak these two dudes ride over the course of 8 seasons is nothing short of television magic. Larry gets a job with a hip Chicago newspaper, Balki scores a gig in the mailroom. Larry and Balki get girlfriends at the same time (who both happen to be stewardesses for the same airline, and also happen to live in the same building as Balki and Larry...even when they move in season 3 which they artlessly fail to explain...) they marry around the same time, make babies at the same time, and generally live parallel lives despite all their wacky differences! It’s like a sitcom or something. Or is it?

More than just a sitcom

Perfect Strangers was also a game I was forced to play by my older sister Natalie. She would be the always sensible, obviously superior Larry, and I’d be the outrageous and flamboyant Balki. On the show, it was clear that Larry learned some sweet little lessons from his gently retarded cousin. In our game I just repeatedly performed Balki’s signature “dance of joy” while Natalie hurled insults and made a big scene over being embarrassed of me.

This is what we as children felt was going on in Perfect Strangers. We didn’t see much wrong in pretending to be two middle aged borderline homosexuals squabbling over who used the nice towels in the guest bathroom. The saddest part about that is that both of the actors on that show are Yale graduates... but they'll be Balki and Larry for the rest of their lives. 


Is that so wrong?

**Is that Harriet Winslow of Family Matters in the back? Why yes it is...Family Matters is a spinoff of Perfect Strangers. So Carl Winslow can thank Balki and Larry for being allowed to perpetuate America's disdain for the police force on national television.**

Never talk to strangers...unless they are perfect.

CHALLENGE: Dance for Joy, Bitch.

I was Bart.

Why make an album full of shiteous cartoon singing voices singing a mix of reworked standards and trite pseudo raps about the trials and tribulations of being a juvenile delinquent? Because your the effing SIMPSONS and you effing CAN, that's effing WHY.



To this very day, I can remember the lyrics to such SSTB gems, such as "Deep Deep Trouble" and "Look at all those idiots". Why, you might ask, am I clogging my brain with such things? Because my moronic musical theatre obsessed mind craved music like this - my needs were very simple. My music viability checklist looked like this:



1. Does it have a beat and you can dance to it?


Check. I did the 'Bartman' with my own special flair.


2. Can I sing it?


Check. I thought 'God Bless the Child' was a gift from heaven...and I thought Lisa Simpson wrote it.


3. Can I act it out?


Check. With Shakespearean fervor.


4. Can I force Talia to act it out with me for our parents and anyone unlucky enough to be in the house? Or, if Talia is busy (probably in her room eating my kissing koolers), can I use my barbies to act it out?


Check. Totally.





Other Observations:



I thought calling someone a boob was one of the funniest things I had ever heard.



Sibling Rivalry....best...song....ever. "GIMMIE WHAT YOU GOT, GIMMIE WHAT YOU GOT, GIMMIE WHAT YOU GOT, GIMMIE WHAT YOU GOT"...God, it brings tears to my eyes.

Talia and I would sing through the ENTIRE ALBUM, picking parts and presenting them as scenes. Yes, I can put Mr. Burns on my resume....it would look like this:

Show Role Director Theatre
Look at all those idiots Mr. Burns Natalie Liccardello My bedroom



The actually made a music video for "Deep Deep Trouble". Yes, someone thought that was a good idea. Feast your eyeballs on this gloriousness:






Incidentally, I used to picture the Simpsons characters in a recording studio singing their little yellow hearts out. When I learned that a woman was the voice of Bart Simpson, I was despondent.



Thanks, Simpsons sing the Blues. You'll be in my head for weeks now.

CHALLENGE: Natalie and Talia Masterpiece Theatre

http://www.amazon.com/Simpsons-Sing-Blues-Various-Artists/dp/B000000OZV/ref=pd_bbs_sr_4/103-7777317-2550248?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1212688690&sr=8-4

"Pummel. Pummel."

Coming from a family of mostly women, my sisters and I could have turned out several different ways. But thanks to our super-nerd father, we all have a little boy living deep inside our hearts. At the dawn of the video game revolution, Dad was right in there-- bringing home an Atari and teaching his children to jump through falling blades and slaughter the evil Jaffar in Prince of Persia. (Remember accidentally not making it through the falling blades? How you suddenly turned into a bloody half ham? That's totally appropriate for a 6 year old. Thanks Dad!) Because of our father's love of video games, our childhood was enveloped in Zelda, World Runner, Street Fighter, and of course, Mega Man.

This was more than just a video game, it was a way of life. Wake up in the morning, watch cartoons (Bond. James Bond. James Bond Jr.) play Mega Man. Come home from school, play Mega Man. Go to bed? No! Play Mega Man! Why was the game so life consuming?



Because it was a hero's journey that's why! And because you couldn't save. The goal was to travel from dot to dot, fighting the many villains attempting to foil your quest to conquer the despicable professor who continued to unleash twisted mechanical beasts on the masses (yes yes, it's similar to the whole Sonic premise, but if Sonic and Mega Man ever battled, I bet we'd end up taking Sonic's crumpled curb stomped body back to the forest for his woodland friends to eat since they'd be in for a long winter). Because you couldn't save, the game was always five times as intense. You have to beat everything in one go, or hang your head in shame and hand the controller to your sister. This was the first game I remember playing where you could see your enemy's health bar as you battling them. Which was pretty awesome, except for when you were super close to victory only to be struck down within the last few bars.



I don't really remember this dragon being drunk, but I do remember being pumped to beat its ass, because it meant I passed the first level and I was headed to dot 2! After you schooled the dragon in your McDonalds chic mega suit, you got to move on to even more worthy opponents such as:

Or

and my personal favorite:

They may look cute, but when Bubbleman is summoning the powers of the sea to blast you into mega oblivion, he looks less like he's got a baby arm growing out of his head and more like a mega warrior. God, I could just go on forever, but in the interest of time, I'll just go over some mega highlights.

The sounds of Mega Man
Mega Man music was amazing. As were Mega Man sound effects. In Heatman's castle (lair? kingdom?) you get these sweet lava boots that made this "pummel, pummel" sound as you walked.

 So not only did you look amazing in your fiery heat kingdom outfit, (yes your outfit changed to match your environment) but you sounded amazing in it too. That combined with energy driven electronica jams made you feel so ferocious inside you just couldn't wait to get up in Woodman's face and talk smack about his whore for a mamma.

The styles of Mega Man
Apparently Capcom almost named Mega Man "Rainbow Man." I bet they're really glad they didn't go with that in hindsight. But the reason for it was Mega Man's impeccable sense of style.

If that looks like Mega Man about to destroy a giant robot tank and his floating helmeted minion in a pink mega suit, that's because it IS.

The end of the Journey

You may have noticed the there is a final spooky skull at the end of Mega Man's path. This is the final boss, the big enchilada, who strikes fear in the heart of the noble yet tough Mega Man.


Ugh! Doesn't he just look like an evil raisin? Also a little like the Colonel (mmm...mashed potato bowl...). Well here's a riddle for you:

When does the mega professor stop looking mega evil and start looking mega lame?

When you mega whoop his mega old ass!

Mega Man. Stylish, sensitive, and surly. If only he was real.

Go Talia, Go: Hours of Entertainment and Unbridled Frustration.

Wolfman's gots nards...

The 1980's/early 1990's provided us with a plethora of movies to worship well into our adulthood - Rock and roll High School Forever, Don't Tell mom the Babysitters dead (I totally had fantasies about this premise playing out in my life...but for A- My parents never went out of town and for B- Our babysitters were all 18. Until I was 12, and then I was the babysitter. For free. But I digress) The Goonies, Ect. But none - NONE compared with the cinematic genius that was: The Monster Squad.

Vampires. Werewolves. Virgins. A scary German guy. I LOVED this movie. I was pretty sure I could make a silver bullet after seeing this movie. A brief overview:

You have your group of kids have this secret club called, duh, The Monster Squad. You have your neighborhood creeper, Scary German Guy (he had a name, but we'll just call him SGG).

You have your "hot" older brother character, Rudy :

...In retrospect, not so hot after all...

Your Fat kid, Horace:

(Who, incidentally died of pneumonia in 1997. Sad.)

Your adorable, sweet little sister, Phoebe, and a couple of other kids that apparently aren't important enough for me to remember. And then you have your monsters:

Count Dracula (who I always thought was kind of hot, but never wanted to admit it...):

Frankenstein (BOGUS...bogus...)

The Wolfman ...

Some weird fishy guy, and a few others.

THE PLOT (nutshell version):

The kids find the Diary of legendary vampire hunter Abraham Van Helsing - which, alas, is in German. Which NO ONE speaks, except of course, SGG. So they go over to his house (he ends up being a nice old guy, not a crazy German serial killer) and he feeds them pie and translates the diary. Then there's this weird moment where you realize He's a holocaust survivor. Or, if you're 12 like I was when I first saw this movie, you have no idea why they show the number tattooed on his forearm. I thought all of Germany tattooed their old people for about 5 good years.

So, there's this amulet that is supposed to be "concentrated good"...so they use the diary to find it...and "One day out of every century, as the forces of good and evil reach a balance, the otherwise-indestructible amulet becomes vulnerable to destruction" (yay wikipedia). That "one day" just happens to be the next day...so you know what that means. A kick ass 80's montage! They make some silver bullets out of mom's silver wear, find a "virgin" (an older sister of one of the kids)...and somehow we figure out that the Fishy guy monster likes Twinkies.

All this time Dracula and his minions are organizing to take over the world for the dark side or whatever, and yada yada, they can't get to the amulet because it's in a room littered with Crucifixes and other anti monster paraphernalia. They wait until the kids get a hold of it, and then they take it...er...something (too much vodka consumed in my lifetime to recall this part of the movie...).

So, the kids and the Virgin Big Sister rally to read this page out of the diary that will reopen a portal back to hell or whatever, and it doesn't work. That's when Big Sis admits to being a slutbag and yells "Well, Steve...but he doesn't count!!" So, they swap her out for Phoebe, the little sister, and SGG helps her read the diary page, and all of the monsters go back to hell for the next 100 years. Woot.

FUN LITTLE TIDBIT:

Duncan Regehr, the guy that played Dracula - is a former figure skater/karate champ...now he's an artist. A really bad one. Like...

Please ask me what this painting is called. Please. Ok, since you asked...The Magic Cock. FOR REAL.

Good times. Thank you, Monster Squad.

CHALLENGE: BLOG THIS MO FRACKA

Kissing Koolers: Lip gloss, pacifier, and snack food all congealed into an incredible plastic tube.

I think it’s safe to say that if you’re a women (and perhaps if you’re not-what you do in your free time is your thing…) you have probably run across a lip gloss or two in your day that tasted so unbelievable you felt like you could just eat it!

In the heyday of myself and Natalies childhood, we encountered such a lipgloss.

It was a golden age. There were mirrored shirts and spandex pants. New Kids on the Block reigned supreme, and Kids Incorporated played freely on the Disney channel. We were but wee creatures, and our mom soon realized after the retirement of our beloved binkies that she wished she still had something to stuff in our mouths. Enter: Maybelline Kissing Koolers. 

There were 3 ways to enjoy a Kissing Kooler.

1. Slowly – This was the way I’m sure Maybelline intended this cosmetic anomaly to be put to use. You put on a nice, normal layer of the gloss and go about your day enjoying the occasional subtle blast of shiny flavor. Simple.

2. Like a Slut- Actually, I seem to recall a packaging of this particular product that depicted two penguins sharing a love kiss on the front of the tube. Perhaps a recycled fake memory from the twisted machine that is my mind…but I doubt it. Plus the name itself—Kissing Koolers—implies that there is mouth to mouth contact to be had, and you’ll probably be cooler for it.

3. As a Snack- This was how my sisters and I chose to partake of Kissing Koolers. We were too immature and hungry to consider 1 or 2 as viable options for savoring this tasty treat. Oh sure, our mom tried to stop us, but as soon as her back was turned, we were straight up wolfing those suckers down. It didn’t start as biting into the soft waxy deliciousness, you always worked your way up. First, you would just put on a normal coat. Then, after promptly scouring your lips with your tongue, you reapply. After a few minutes of this you would realize: I should really cake this shit on, it’s just too scrumptious! After that, you’re a goner. Your mind is too enfeebled by the mouth-watering essence of the KK to realize it is not in fact food. And there were so many flavors! Let’s bask in the afterglow, shall we?

Cherry Cola- Come on. Like a little girl who is starved for caffeine anyway is going to NOT eat this. (sidenote: remember Cola gum? With the weird liquid center? DAMNIT WHY IS EVERYTHING GOOD GONE FOREVER!?)

Watermelon- This one had a red and green marbleized sort of plastic covering it. I ate this so many times. Choice.

Strawberry- Oooh bright red. It was almost makeup for Christsake! Makeup! Did I mentioned these SMELLED  great too? Like God blowing on your face with his sweet breath. 

Grape- I assume grape, but I don't really remember. Has there ever been a purple flavor that wasn't grape? On a sidenote...why doesn't grape ever taste anything like grapes?

So what happened to these babies? I went on Maybelline’s website for answers, and found this:



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So not only are they not selling the best thing they ever thought of anymore, but they aren’t even acknowledging its absence! But I was not phased. I thought that surely Maybelline would have morphed the product into a modern shadow of its former self, but no.



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They aren’t even down with FLAVOR anymore! BLASPHEMES!

So who’s with me? We boycott Maybelline until they restore these bad boys back next to Bonne Belle where they belong!

KISSING KOOLERS FORVER!!!