OKAY my work computer refuses to let me post a picture or video of Kingdom Chums so I will have to paint the picture with my words.
Half live action half cartoon combo that teaches the timeless story of David and Goliath.
GO!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Zork Nemesis: the ending that pistol whipped my soul
If you’ve read any of the other blogs on this particular blog, you’ll know that my sisters and I are huge dorks. We’ve already confessed to a love of all that is Nintendo. But did we mention computer games were also impaled deep inside our lazy hearts? We played a few: 7th Guest, Doom, Rollercoaster Tycoon, SimAnt, Carmen Sandiego, but the most frustrating and epic of them all? Zork: Nemesis.
When you’re a 12 year old, there are a lot of things you don’t understand. After reading the plot summary of this game on Wikipedia, I now realize I didn’t understand most of what was going on in Zork:Nemesis. Parts of it didn’t even sound remotely familiar to me, and this is a game Natalie and I devoted weeks if not months of our lives to. But luckily the middle part rang some bells, so I can still blog with the force of ten men.
So, the world is all messed up and out of balance because an ambiguous “Nemesis” murdered 4 alchemists. You—the unnamed hero-- are expected to restore order to the creepy stark world of the Forbidden Lands. Basically, as soon as the game starts you are listening to your footsteps echo through the halls of this abandoned temple(see above), and you find 4 coffins occupied with 4 fresh corpses. WTF? As if that’s not disturbing enough, the corpses start hologramming Obe Wan style at you and telling you how they were murdered, their children were murdered, and how now they’re being held captive in ETERNAL TORTURE! Again, when you’re 12—this is the kind of stuff that has you clammy and still under your sheets at night attempting to breathe through the material and hoping that your lack of movement will convince the shadow monsters not to chew your face off. Anyway-your job now is to scamper about this scary temple and purify elements so that each corpse will tell you how they got fucked over and eventually killed. It looks a little something like this:
Am I wrong, or is that disquieting in every way possible?
So as a treat for solving the first puzzle and enduring a bunch of troubling exposition, you get to magically fly to each alchemist’s respective home to be bombarded with more upsetting images.
Luckily for you each of these fine citizens live in the MOST HORRIFYING PLACES POSSIBLE. Traveling in this game was reminiscent of port keys in Harry Potter. You look through a telescope, and suddenly you’re zooming from the terrifying temple to an equally terrifying conservatory, the home of Madame Sophia Hamilton. She represents the water element in this game, which means basically nothing besides there are cool water signs all over the Frigid Branch Conservatory and some of the puzzles involve fountains. After that you are catapulted to a Monastery, which is pretty boring. I remember it being slightly similar to the Great Wall of China as far as aesthetics went. You feel like a little spy/warrior rifling through the scientists things and discovering how hardcore they all were. The creepiest part about the game is the fact that you appear to be the only person on earth, and you’re roaming through spacious industrialized architecture the whole time. Also you are subject to random cut scenes, instigated by you touching certain objects and entering certain rooms. It’s not really clear whether these are flashbacks, or if the corpses are just hologramming again.
Remember when I said the creepiest part of the game was the isolation and mechanized environment? I was totally forgetting the next destination on the Zork tour. After the Monastery you fly to the Asylum. Now, I’ve never been to an actual asylum, but I'm pretty sure real asylums aren't covered in blood. It looks as if a gang of preteen boys had water gun fight but instead of filling their supersoakers with water, they went with blood instead. Blood on the walls, the floors, the elevator buttons. I don’t know how this asylum was getting past health regulations. There’s even a room with 3 heads on stakes hooked up to little shock machines. They literally force you to shock these severed heads, which speak, order to get a combination to unlock a door. Also, the ambient noise in this place is Gregorian chant sprinkled with tortured screams. It goes well with the several instruments of pain strewn about for effect. They look a little like this:
Nothing says sanitary like a decayed skeleton in a cage, you know?
You could go through the patient files at this place and look at what the crazy people drew. There was a particular drawing done by"Patient X" that throttled my sense of inner joy and peace.
This is when we find out that Madam water sign’s daughter was in the asylum drawing fucked up crayon pictures herself (LACES OUT) and being electroshocked and lobotomized into sanity. Though whether she was actually insane to begin with is up for debate.
So after you manage to puzzle solve your way out of the asylum, (hopefully without throwing up on yourself) you get to go to a Castle!! Weee!! This is when the game went from super rad and scary to super lame and disappointing. When you get there it’s actually kind of nice—there’s a huge theatre, your clues are violins and ticket stubs rather than rusty scalpels and detached body parts. Plus the music is significantly less unnerving. So there you are, ready to wrap up the game that had you switching discs all over the place (I believe there were 3, and our computer tried to eat one a few times) when all of a sudden BLAM!
Love story.
Suddenly you find out that Earth Dude’s slightly flamboyant son was apparently in love with Madam Water’s crazy ass daughter. It’s a little late in the game to be introducing a love story, don’t you think? I’ve been ninja-ing my ass all over the Forbidden Fucking Lands only to find out I’m doing it in order to set right the burgeoning love of two angst ridden adolescents?
Way to blow it, Activision.
As if that wasn’t enough, after solving a series of ridiculously difficult puzzles that make you want to poke your sister's eyes out, you finally get the entire alchemist crew that you’ve been working to save around a table. They are giving you a toast and thanking you for all your hard work. You're feeling accomplished, at ease. They hand you a glass of wine, and because you are happy to have helped your new friends, you drink it. Of course you do. It would be rude not to.
Poison.
Those assholes POISON you! Thanks for saving our souls from damnation, NOW GO TAKE OUR PLACE IN HELL. Turns out the alchemists were playing you from the start. They only wanted to use you to help them do something evil! I forget exactly what it is you helped them do, but it wasn't good, and I didn't like it. Plus in a super weak plot twist it would seem the evil alchemists were actually the douchebags keeping their lovesick kids apart from eachother! Something really lame and topped with a big lame cherry melting really lame shit all over the table. So disappointing in fact, the rest of the game seems like a lie. I felt like I got dumped by the game and it told me it had in fact been a homosexual the entire time we were dating. Betrayed in a way.
The fact that I can't remember the ending speaks for itself, don't you think? Besides the vomit rising up in the back of my throat....
We should totally find it and play it again.
When you’re a 12 year old, there are a lot of things you don’t understand. After reading the plot summary of this game on Wikipedia, I now realize I didn’t understand most of what was going on in Zork:Nemesis. Parts of it didn’t even sound remotely familiar to me, and this is a game Natalie and I devoted weeks if not months of our lives to. But luckily the middle part rang some bells, so I can still blog with the force of ten men.
So, the world is all messed up and out of balance because an ambiguous “Nemesis” murdered 4 alchemists. You—the unnamed hero-- are expected to restore order to the creepy stark world of the Forbidden Lands. Basically, as soon as the game starts you are listening to your footsteps echo through the halls of this abandoned temple(see above), and you find 4 coffins occupied with 4 fresh corpses. WTF? As if that’s not disturbing enough, the corpses start hologramming Obe Wan style at you and telling you how they were murdered, their children were murdered, and how now they’re being held captive in ETERNAL TORTURE! Again, when you’re 12—this is the kind of stuff that has you clammy and still under your sheets at night attempting to breathe through the material and hoping that your lack of movement will convince the shadow monsters not to chew your face off. Anyway-your job now is to scamper about this scary temple and purify elements so that each corpse will tell you how they got fucked over and eventually killed. It looks a little something like this:
Am I wrong, or is that disquieting in every way possible?
So as a treat for solving the first puzzle and enduring a bunch of troubling exposition, you get to magically fly to each alchemist’s respective home to be bombarded with more upsetting images.
Luckily for you each of these fine citizens live in the MOST HORRIFYING PLACES POSSIBLE. Traveling in this game was reminiscent of port keys in Harry Potter. You look through a telescope, and suddenly you’re zooming from the terrifying temple to an equally terrifying conservatory, the home of Madame Sophia Hamilton. She represents the water element in this game, which means basically nothing besides there are cool water signs all over the Frigid Branch Conservatory and some of the puzzles involve fountains. After that you are catapulted to a Monastery, which is pretty boring. I remember it being slightly similar to the Great Wall of China as far as aesthetics went. You feel like a little spy/warrior rifling through the scientists things and discovering how hardcore they all were. The creepiest part about the game is the fact that you appear to be the only person on earth, and you’re roaming through spacious industrialized architecture the whole time. Also you are subject to random cut scenes, instigated by you touching certain objects and entering certain rooms. It’s not really clear whether these are flashbacks, or if the corpses are just hologramming again.
Remember when I said the creepiest part of the game was the isolation and mechanized environment? I was totally forgetting the next destination on the Zork tour. After the Monastery you fly to the Asylum. Now, I’ve never been to an actual asylum, but I'm pretty sure real asylums aren't covered in blood. It looks as if a gang of preteen boys had water gun fight but instead of filling their supersoakers with water, they went with blood instead. Blood on the walls, the floors, the elevator buttons. I don’t know how this asylum was getting past health regulations. There’s even a room with 3 heads on stakes hooked up to little shock machines. They literally force you to shock these severed heads, which speak, order to get a combination to unlock a door. Also, the ambient noise in this place is Gregorian chant sprinkled with tortured screams. It goes well with the several instruments of pain strewn about for effect. They look a little like this:
Nothing says sanitary like a decayed skeleton in a cage, you know?
You could go through the patient files at this place and look at what the crazy people drew. There was a particular drawing done by"Patient X" that throttled my sense of inner joy and peace.
This is when we find out that Madam water sign’s daughter was in the asylum drawing fucked up crayon pictures herself (LACES OUT) and being electroshocked and lobotomized into sanity. Though whether she was actually insane to begin with is up for debate.
So after you manage to puzzle solve your way out of the asylum, (hopefully without throwing up on yourself) you get to go to a Castle!! Weee!! This is when the game went from super rad and scary to super lame and disappointing. When you get there it’s actually kind of nice—there’s a huge theatre, your clues are violins and ticket stubs rather than rusty scalpels and detached body parts. Plus the music is significantly less unnerving. So there you are, ready to wrap up the game that had you switching discs all over the place (I believe there were 3, and our computer tried to eat one a few times) when all of a sudden BLAM!
Love story.
Suddenly you find out that Earth Dude’s slightly flamboyant son was apparently in love with Madam Water’s crazy ass daughter. It’s a little late in the game to be introducing a love story, don’t you think? I’ve been ninja-ing my ass all over the Forbidden Fucking Lands only to find out I’m doing it in order to set right the burgeoning love of two angst ridden adolescents?
Way to blow it, Activision.
As if that wasn’t enough, after solving a series of ridiculously difficult puzzles that make you want to poke your sister's eyes out, you finally get the entire alchemist crew that you’ve been working to save around a table. They are giving you a toast and thanking you for all your hard work. You're feeling accomplished, at ease. They hand you a glass of wine, and because you are happy to have helped your new friends, you drink it. Of course you do. It would be rude not to.
Poison.
Those assholes POISON you! Thanks for saving our souls from damnation, NOW GO TAKE OUR PLACE IN HELL. Turns out the alchemists were playing you from the start. They only wanted to use you to help them do something evil! I forget exactly what it is you helped them do, but it wasn't good, and I didn't like it. Plus in a super weak plot twist it would seem the evil alchemists were actually the douchebags keeping their lovesick kids apart from eachother! Something really lame and topped with a big lame cherry melting really lame shit all over the table. So disappointing in fact, the rest of the game seems like a lie. I felt like I got dumped by the game and it told me it had in fact been a homosexual the entire time we were dating. Betrayed in a way.
The fact that I can't remember the ending speaks for itself, don't you think? Besides the vomit rising up in the back of my throat....
We should totally find it and play it again.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Sleepy Green Perfection. My Security Bear.
My Care Bear was an extension of my physical being for 18 years - literally until I got married, at which point my husband decided that sharing our bed with my childhood stuffed animal was stretching the limts of his affection for me. I freakin loved that bear.
Not only did I love my Care Bear, I loved the Care Bear propaganda. The cartoons, the movies, the clothing, school merchandise... all of it. Apparently they were created by a greeting card company who later saw the potential in making the adorable,lovable, smooshable stuffed bears that we all know and love.
There were a few miniseries chronicalling the escapades of the Care Bears, one of the first being "Care Bears Battle the Freeze Machine", which was a heartwarming tale about a seemingly anorexic evil scientist called Professor Coldheart and his retarded assistant, Frostbite.
Why does Funshine Bear sound like a porn star? The world may never know.
After the Television Series was up and running the Care Bear folks decided to make a full length movie. Genius.
The first movie "A Land Without Feelings" Sucked. Hardcore. Look at this suckage.
Then Care Bears II came out and CHANGED THE WORLD. Ok, maybe not, but it entertained me and my sisters and taught me what a totem pole was.
Orphans, Cloudquakes (it's like an earthquake for cloud dwelling bears. I know, it's a stretch), Evil Spirits, the Great Fettuccine (some sort of racist Italian magician reference), the Caring Meter - Thrills, spills, and you might even cry a little. Personally, I just really wanted to go to summer camp after I saw this movie. And I then I went to Summer Camp and it was nothing like this and I hated every minute of it. Oh well.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Friday, June 6, 2008
Tis I, Balki of Mypos.
I think we can all agree that the ONLY happenin' place to be on a Friday night for a prepubescent child of the early 90's was TGIF. Some of the best shows of our generation reigned supreme during this glorious television slot.
Meet Balki
Tell me that if this man showed up on your doorstep claiming to be your cousin from Mypos and hoping to live on your couch he wouldn't be pepper sprayed and sack punched in 5 seconds flat. But fortunately for all of us, Larry isn't as smart as we are!
Meet Larry
Trusting, lonely, and a total square-- Larry is as boring as Balki is zany! It's almost like Mork and Mindy, which was coincidentally created by the people that made Perfect Strangers. . How many times can you make the same show without people noticing? Apparently 3, because they made Laverne and Shirley too. But in any case, let's do a brief synopsis of the show, which ran for 8 captivating seasons.
We're so different... yet the same!
Luckily, it doesn't come to that.
Even more luckily, Larry's landlord/boss agrees to allow the incompetent Balki to work alongside Larry as a clerk at a discount store despite his intense disdain for the both of them. In fact, the luck streak these two dudes ride over the course of 8 seasons is nothing short of television magic. Larry gets a job with a hip Chicago newspaper, Balki scores a gig in the mailroom. Larry and Balki get girlfriends at the same time (who both happen to be stewardesses for the same airline, and also happen to live in the same building as Balki and Larry...even when they move in season 3 which they artlessly fail to explain...) they marry around the same time, make babies at the same time, and generally live parallel lives despite all their wacky differences! It’s like a sitcom or something. Or is it?
More than just a sitcom
Perfect Strangers was also a game I was forced to play by my older sister Natalie. She would be the always sensible, obviously superior Larry, and I’d be the outrageous and flamboyant Balki. On the show, it was clear that Larry learned some sweet little lessons from his gently retarded cousin. In our game I just repeatedly performed Balki’s signature “dance of joy” while Natalie hurled insults and made a big scene over being embarrassed of me.
This is what we as children felt was going on in Perfect Strangers. We didn’t see much wrong in pretending to be two middle aged borderline homosexuals squabbling over who used the nice towels in the guest bathroom. The saddest part about that is that both of the actors on that show are Yale graduates... but they'll be Balki and Larry for the rest of their lives.
Is that so wrong?
More than just a sitcom
Perfect Strangers was also a game I was forced to play by my older sister Natalie. She would be the always sensible, obviously superior Larry, and I’d be the outrageous and flamboyant Balki. On the show, it was clear that Larry learned some sweet little lessons from his gently retarded cousin. In our game I just repeatedly performed Balki’s signature “dance of joy” while Natalie hurled insults and made a big scene over being embarrassed of me.
This is what we as children felt was going on in Perfect Strangers. We didn’t see much wrong in pretending to be two middle aged borderline homosexuals squabbling over who used the nice towels in the guest bathroom. The saddest part about that is that both of the actors on that show are Yale graduates... but they'll be Balki and Larry for the rest of their lives.
Is that so wrong?
**Is that Harriet Winslow of Family Matters in the back? Why yes it is...Family Matters is a spinoff of Perfect Strangers. So Carl Winslow can thank Balki and Larry for being allowed to perpetuate America's disdain for the police force on national television.**
Never talk to strangers...unless they are perfect.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
I was Bart.
Why make an album full of shiteous cartoon singing voices singing a mix of reworked standards and trite pseudo raps about the trials and tribulations of being a juvenile delinquent? Because your the effing SIMPSONS and you effing CAN, that's effing WHY.
To this very day, I can remember the lyrics to such SSTB gems, such as "Deep Deep Trouble" and "Look at all those idiots". Why, you might ask, am I clogging my brain with such things? Because my moronic musical theatre obsessed mind craved music like this - my needs were very simple. My music viability checklist looked like this:
1. Does it have a beat and you can dance to it?
Check. I did the 'Bartman' with my own special flair.
2. Can I sing it?
Check. I thought 'God Bless the Child' was a gift from heaven...and I thought Lisa Simpson wrote it.
3. Can I act it out?
Check. With Shakespearean fervor.
4. Can I force Talia to act it out with me for our parents and anyone unlucky enough to be in the house? Or, if Talia is busy (probably in her room eating my kissing koolers), can I use my barbies to act it out?
Check. Totally.
Other Observations:
I thought calling someone a boob was one of the funniest things I had ever heard.
Sibling Rivalry....best...song....ever. "GIMMIE WHAT YOU GOT, GIMMIE WHAT YOU GOT, GIMMIE WHAT YOU GOT, GIMMIE WHAT YOU GOT"...God, it brings tears to my eyes.
Talia and I would sing through the ENTIRE ALBUM, picking parts and presenting them as scenes. Yes, I can put Mr. Burns on my resume....it would look like this:
Show Role Director Theatre
Look at all those idiots Mr. Burns Natalie Liccardello My bedroom
The actually made a music video for "Deep Deep Trouble". Yes, someone thought that was a good idea. Feast your eyeballs on this gloriousness:
Incidentally, I used to picture the Simpsons characters in a recording studio singing their little yellow hearts out. When I learned that a woman was the voice of Bart Simpson, I was despondent.
Thanks, Simpsons sing the Blues. You'll be in my head for weeks now.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
"Pummel. Pummel."
Coming from a family of mostly women, my sisters and I could have turned out several different ways. But thanks to our super-nerd father, we all have a little boy living deep inside our hearts. At the dawn of the video game revolution, Dad was right in there-- bringing home an Atari and teaching his children to jump through falling blades and slaughter the evil Jaffar in Prince of Persia. (Remember accidentally not making it through the falling blades? How you suddenly turned into a bloody half ham? That's totally appropriate for a 6 year old. Thanks Dad!) Because of our father's love of video games, our childhood was enveloped in Zelda, World Runner, Street Fighter, and of course, Mega Man.
This was more than just a video game, it was a way of life. Wake up in the morning, watch cartoons (Bond. James Bond. James Bond Jr.) play Mega Man. Come home from school, play Mega Man. Go to bed? No! Play Mega Man! Why was the game so life consuming?
Because it was a hero's journey that's why! And because you couldn't save. The goal was to travel from dot to dot, fighting the many villains attempting to foil your quest to conquer the despicable professor who continued to unleash twisted mechanical beasts on the masses (yes yes, it's similar to the whole Sonic premise, but if Sonic and Mega Man ever battled, I bet we'd end up taking Sonic's crumpled curb stomped body back to the forest for his woodland friends to eat since they'd be in for a long winter). Because you couldn't save, the game was always five times as intense. You have to beat everything in one go, or hang your head in shame and hand the controller to your sister. This was the first game I remember playing where you could see your enemy's health bar as you battling them. Which was pretty awesome, except for when you were super close to victory only to be struck down within the last few bars.
I don't really remember this dragon being drunk, but I do remember being pumped to beat its ass, because it meant I passed the first level and I was headed to dot 2! After you schooled the dragon in your McDonalds chic mega suit, you got to move on to even more worthy opponents such as:
Or
and my personal favorite:
They may look cute, but when Bubbleman is summoning the powers of the sea to blast you into mega oblivion, he looks less like he's got a baby arm growing out of his head and more like a mega warrior. God, I could just go on forever, but in the interest of time, I'll just go over some mega highlights.
The sounds of Mega Man
Mega Man music was amazing. As were Mega Man sound effects. In Heatman's castle (lair? kingdom?) you get these sweet lava boots that made this "pummel, pummel" sound as you walked.
So not only did you look amazing in your fiery heat kingdom outfit, (yes your outfit changed to match your environment) but you sounded amazing in it too. That combined with energy driven electronica jams made you feel so ferocious inside you just couldn't wait to get up in Woodman's face and talk smack about his whore for a mamma.
The styles of Mega Man
Apparently Capcom almost named Mega Man "Rainbow Man." I bet they're really glad they didn't go with that in hindsight. But the reason for it was Mega Man's impeccable sense of style.
If that looks like Mega Man about to destroy a giant robot tank and his floating helmeted minion in a pink mega suit, that's because it IS.
The end of the Journey
You may have noticed the there is a final spooky skull at the end of Mega Man's path. This is the final boss, the big enchilada, who strikes fear in the heart of the noble yet tough Mega Man.
Ugh! Doesn't he just look like an evil raisin? Also a little like the Colonel (mmm...mashed potato bowl...). Well here's a riddle for you:
When does the mega professor stop looking mega evil and start looking mega lame?
When you mega whoop his mega old ass!
Mega Man. Stylish, sensitive, and surly. If only he was real.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Wolfman's gots nards...
The 1980's/early 1990's provided us with a plethora of movies to worship well into our adulthood - Rock and roll High School Forever, Don't Tell mom the Babysitters dead (I totally had fantasies about this premise playing out in my life...but for A- My parents never went out of town and for B- Our babysitters were all 18. Until I was 12, and then I was the babysitter. For free. But I digress) The Goonies, Ect. But none - NONE compared with the cinematic genius that was: The Monster Squad.
Vampires. Werewolves. Virgins. A scary German guy. I LOVED this movie. I was pretty sure I could make a silver bullet after seeing this movie. A brief overview:
Some weird fishy guy, and a few others.
Vampires. Werewolves. Virgins. A scary German guy. I LOVED this movie. I was pretty sure I could make a silver bullet after seeing this movie. A brief overview:You have your group of kids have this secret club called, duh, The Monster Squad. You have your neighborhood creeper, Scary German Guy (he had a name, but we'll just call him SGG).
You have your "hot" older brother character, Rudy :
...In retrospect, not so hot after all...
Your Fat kid, Horace:
(Who, incidentally died of pneumonia in 1997. Sad.)
Your adorable, sweet little sister, Phoebe, and a couple of other kids that apparently aren't important enough for me to remember. And then you have your monsters:
Count Dracula (who I always thought was kind of hot, but never wanted to admit it...):
Frankenstein (BOGUS...bogus...)
The Wolfman ...
Some weird fishy guy, and a few others.
THE PLOT (nutshell version):
The kids find the Diary of legendary vampire hunter Abraham Van Helsing - which, alas, is in German. Which NO ONE speaks, except of course, SGG. So they go over to his house (he ends up being a nice old guy, not a crazy German serial killer) and he feeds them pie and translates the diary. Then there's this weird moment where you realize He's a holocaust survivor. Or, if you're 12 like I was when I first saw this movie, you have no idea why they show the number tattooed on his forearm. I thought all of Germany tattooed their old people for about 5 good years.
So, there's this amulet that is supposed to be "concentrated good"...so they use the diary to find it...and "One day out of every century, as the forces of good and evil reach a balance, the otherwise-indestructible amulet becomes vulnerable to destruction" (yay wikipedia). That "one day" just happens to be the next day...so you know what that means. A kick ass 80's montage! They make some silver bullets out of mom's silver wear, find a "virgin" (an older sister of one of the kids)...and somehow we figure out that the Fishy guy monster likes Twinkies.
All this time Dracula and his minions are organizing to take over the world for the dark side or whatever, and yada yada, they can't get to the amulet because it's in a room littered with Crucifixes and other anti monster paraphernalia. They wait until the kids get a hold of it, and then they take it...er...something (too much vodka consumed in my lifetime to recall this part of the movie...).
So, the kids and the Virgin Big Sister rally to read this page out of the diary that will reopen a portal back to hell or whatever, and it doesn't work. That's when Big Sis admits to being a slutbag and yells "Well, Steve...but he doesn't count!!" So, they swap her out for Phoebe, the little sister, and SGG helps her read the diary page, and all of the monsters go back to hell for the next 100 years. Woot.
FUN LITTLE TIDBIT:
Duncan Regehr, the guy that played Dracula - is a former figure skater/karate champ...now he's an artist. A really bad one. Like...
Please ask me what this painting is called. Please. Ok, since you asked...The Magic Cock. FOR REAL.
Good times. Thank you, Monster Squad.
Kissing Koolers: Lip gloss, pacifier, and snack food all congealed into an incredible plastic tube.
I think it’s safe to say that if you’re a women (and perhaps if you’re not-what you do in your free time is your thing…) you have probably run across a lip gloss or two in your day that tasted so unbelievable you felt like you could just eat it!
In the heyday of myself and Natalies childhood, we encountered such a lipgloss.
It was a golden age. There were mirrored shirts and spandex pants. New Kids on the Block reigned supreme, and Kids Incorporated played freely on the Disney channel. We were but wee creatures, and our mom soon realized after the retirement of our beloved binkies that she wished she still had something to stuff in our mouths. Enter: Maybelline Kissing Koolers.
There were 3 ways to enjoy a Kissing Kooler.
1. Slowly – This was the way I’m sure Maybelline intended this cosmetic anomaly to be put to use. You put on a nice, normal layer of the gloss and go about your day enjoying the occasional subtle blast of shiny flavor. Simple.
2. Like a Slut- Actually, I seem to recall a packaging of this particular product that depicted two penguins sharing a love kiss on the front of the tube. Perhaps a recycled fake memory from the twisted machine that is my mind…but I doubt it. Plus the name itself—Kissing Koolers—implies that there is mouth to mouth contact to be had, and you’ll probably be cooler for it.
3. As a Snack- This was how my sisters and I chose to partake of Kissing Koolers. We were too immature and hungry to consider 1 or 2 as viable options for savoring this tasty treat. Oh sure, our mom tried to stop us, but as soon as her back was turned, we were straight up wolfing those suckers down. It didn’t start as biting into the soft waxy deliciousness, you always worked your way up. First, you would just put on a normal coat. Then, after promptly scouring your lips with your tongue, you reapply. After a few minutes of this you would realize: I should really cake this shit on, it’s just too scrumptious! After that, you’re a goner. Your mind is too enfeebled by the mouth-watering essence of the KK to realize it is not in fact food. And there were so many flavors! Let’s bask in the afterglow, shall we?
Cherry Cola- Come on. Like a little girl who is starved for caffeine anyway is going to NOT eat this. (sidenote: remember Cola gum? With the weird liquid center? DAMNIT WHY IS EVERYTHING GOOD GONE FOREVER!?)
Watermelon- This one had a red and green marbleized sort of plastic covering it. I ate this so many times. Choice.
Strawberry- Oooh bright red. It was almost makeup for Christsake! Makeup! Did I mentioned these SMELLED great too? Like God blowing on your face with his sweet breath.
Grape- I assume grape, but I don't really remember. Has there ever been a purple flavor that wasn't grape? On a sidenote...why doesn't grape ever taste anything like grapes?
So what happened to these babies? I went on Maybelline’s website for answers, and found this:
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So not only are they not selling the best thing they ever thought of anymore, but they aren’t even acknowledging its absence! But I was not phased. I thought that surely Maybelline would have morphed the product into a modern shadow of its former self, but no.
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They aren’t even down with FLAVOR anymore! BLASPHEMES!
So who’s with me? We boycott Maybelline until they restore these bad boys back next to Bonne Belle where they belong!
KISSING KOOLERS FORVER!!!
In the heyday of myself and Natalies childhood, we encountered such a lipgloss.
It was a golden age. There were mirrored shirts and spandex pants. New Kids on the Block reigned supreme, and Kids Incorporated played freely on the Disney channel. We were but wee creatures, and our mom soon realized after the retirement of our beloved binkies that she wished she still had something to stuff in our mouths. Enter: Maybelline Kissing Koolers.
There were 3 ways to enjoy a Kissing Kooler.
1. Slowly – This was the way I’m sure Maybelline intended this cosmetic anomaly to be put to use. You put on a nice, normal layer of the gloss and go about your day enjoying the occasional subtle blast of shiny flavor. Simple.
2. Like a Slut- Actually, I seem to recall a packaging of this particular product that depicted two penguins sharing a love kiss on the front of the tube. Perhaps a recycled fake memory from the twisted machine that is my mind…but I doubt it. Plus the name itself—Kissing Koolers—implies that there is mouth to mouth contact to be had, and you’ll probably be cooler for it.
3. As a Snack- This was how my sisters and I chose to partake of Kissing Koolers. We were too immature and hungry to consider 1 or 2 as viable options for savoring this tasty treat. Oh sure, our mom tried to stop us, but as soon as her back was turned, we were straight up wolfing those suckers down. It didn’t start as biting into the soft waxy deliciousness, you always worked your way up. First, you would just put on a normal coat. Then, after promptly scouring your lips with your tongue, you reapply. After a few minutes of this you would realize: I should really cake this shit on, it’s just too scrumptious! After that, you’re a goner. Your mind is too enfeebled by the mouth-watering essence of the KK to realize it is not in fact food. And there were so many flavors! Let’s bask in the afterglow, shall we?
Cherry Cola- Come on. Like a little girl who is starved for caffeine anyway is going to NOT eat this. (sidenote: remember Cola gum? With the weird liquid center? DAMNIT WHY IS EVERYTHING GOOD GONE FOREVER!?)
Watermelon- This one had a red and green marbleized sort of plastic covering it. I ate this so many times. Choice.
Strawberry- Oooh bright red. It was almost makeup for Christsake! Makeup! Did I mentioned these SMELLED great too? Like God blowing on your face with his sweet breath.
Grape- I assume grape, but I don't really remember. Has there ever been a purple flavor that wasn't grape? On a sidenote...why doesn't grape ever taste anything like grapes?
So what happened to these babies? I went on Maybelline’s website for answers, and found this:
0 Results found for "kissing kooler"Copyright ©2008 L'Oréal USA, Inc Privacy Policy Site Map
About Us Contact Us En Español
So not only are they not selling the best thing they ever thought of anymore, but they aren’t even acknowledging its absence! But I was not phased. I thought that surely Maybelline would have morphed the product into a modern shadow of its former self, but no.
0 Results found for "flavored lip gloss"Copyright ©2008 L'Oréal USA, Inc Privacy Policy Site Map
About Us Contact Us En Español
They aren’t even down with FLAVOR anymore! BLASPHEMES!
So who’s with me? We boycott Maybelline until they restore these bad boys back next to Bonne Belle where they belong!
KISSING KOOLERS FORVER!!!
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